Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Intimate Already

Jay Blevins believes it’s a shame fear is allowed to do such damage to men’s sexual relationships and advises communication can act as both a panacea and bridge to improve your intimate moments.

We all know the old stereotype of men always wanting sex while women seldom do. As a therapist I have certainly seen examples of that. I’ve also seen examples of exactly the opposite — — women who want sex much more than their male partner.

There is no doubt that sometimes differences in the level of sexual desire simply exist. One person just would like more sex than the other. A person’s level of sexual desire can be impacted by many factors such as stress, illness or other external factors. And sometimes it just is what it is.

It is also true that we can also impact our own desirability to a large degree. It starts with the basics like taking care with our appearance. More importantly it is the way we behave and the way we treat others.

While all of that is true, there are also times when men, the ones who are supposedly always wanting sex, get in their own way of having sex. I run across those situations in therapy and at the talks I give on sex and sexuality and they almost always stem from some combination of shame about sex and insecurities about meeting societal expectations of masculinity. You know that tired trope that you aren’t a “real” man unless you know how to please a woman sexually.

While that may be an admirable goal in theory, it sometimes includes other assumptions that can quickly send things off course. Some men believe that they must know everything there is to know about pleasing a woman or they are somehow not a good man. They believe that taking input or learning from their partner is accepting help and strong men do not need help.

Here’s just one example from the many times I’ve heard this sentiment expressed. I saw a wonderful couple in their early 40’s. We had worked on a variety of relationship issue and then delved into the issue of sex. They both expressed a strong desire to have sex and a strong attraction for each other.

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