I Am Feeling Weepy

My Grandma passed very recently, Barbara, I miss her terribly, I am relieved that she passed when she wanted to. I feel the pain of grief; sorrowful, weepy, angry, bargaining, denial. Many complex feelings are upon me.

She had been struggling with illness for a couple of years; she had a muscle wasting disease that stopped her being able to use her hands so well, she became unsteady on her feet, and then she stopped being able to eat, or drink. They installed a drip for her get the nutrients she needed and she carried on for a long time after that, perhaps a year, or a year and a half, it’s hard to remember, and i’m not sure I want to exactly. Bless her, she always missed the taste of food and drink in her mouth. What an horrible thought, to never be able to eat or drink again. To lose one fifth of the sensual experience. Eventually she had to enter a care home, she was incredibly uneasy about that, leaving the house she lived in for many decades; the house her children had grown in, the house her grandchildren, like me, loved dearly also. I never got to go to that house before it was sold. The decision was very quick. It’s curious isn’t it, the need to just sit in an empty space of that house and reflect on the memories, say goodbye, find a bit of peace. There are aspects of life that don’t go as planned of course. Yet, the soul always calls for them, until I can find a way to imagine the peace that I crave. It might be said to be a mind trick that i’m playing on myself, but I often find myself there in my imagination and trying to find those things.

She stopped wanting to turn up to mealtimes at her care home, it was too painful for her, yet she missed out on the social interaction. I suppose it’s like not going to the pub with my friends after I stopped drinking alcohol, it’s just a different vibe, I don’t mind going now, and having a softie, but when I was giving up it was too hard. I didn’t have the will power. She did settle into the care home environment though, and even seemed content with it, started to enjoy it somewhat; tentatively…

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