Late Night Tidbits

Monologue Jokes (12/15/17):

Elon Musk announced this week that Tesla will release self- driving semi-trucks, or as I like to call it ‘how we all die’

Boston Dynamics posted a video of a full functioning robot with the ability to do a backflip!

Very impressive, now program it to keep it’s cyborg phallus in it’s panel!

A new book deal is in development for Sean Spicer, the working title of the book is ‘The Book Of Moron’

This week celebrity Chef Mario Batali was added to the long list of sexual predators in the workplace….

….. Jesus, every sexual predator that comes out looks like he ate the last sexual predator that came out.

People Magazine named Blake Shelton the Sexiest Man Alive, giving Cracker Barrel managers across the nation hope.

Alt-Right Nationalist Grand J Kidney took to Twitter this week to show his “love” for the Second Amendment with this photo….

….it’s not surprising that his tongue is completely missing the trigger.

NASA just announced a never before seen Interstellar Asteroid sailed past Earth at record speeds, so even an asteroid saw what we’ve got going on and was like, “nah, I’m good”

Taylor Swift released a new album called “Rebel”

I am very happy to see Good Charlotte’s art director is working again

Taylor Swift’s music sounds like what mistaking wasabi for guacamole tastes like.

It was revealed this week that Charlie Rose is added to the football team’s size roster of Hollywood’s sexual misconduct list. (Photoshop of Charlie Rose’s classic interview dark room table photoshopped to look like “The Last Supper” with all of the sexual offenders) TAG: With all the dirt bags getting tossed out of showbiz, Hollywood looks like a clown car emptying out of old men in bath robes.

The GOP is trying to undermine Planned Parenthood again. Women now need to keep their tampons in bullet casing in hopes that the government will legalize their uterus. (A photoshopped photo of a tampon box that has shell casings in it that says “PMS-47”)

Republican reporter Brandon Moseley on CNN this week defended Judge Roy Moore comparing “stealing a lawn mower to pedophilia…

…..the only reason a lawn mower should have been in this conversation is if he was talking about who cut his bangs.

Marshawn Lynch spoke out this week about President Trump’s aggressive tweets towards him. Trump is SO bad, he got athletes to start talking during interviews.

President Trump went to the Philippines this week for the annual ASEAN Conference. While there, he met with The Philippines President Duterte and participated in the traditional handshake to kick off the weekend….

…this looks like “Murder on the Incontinent Express”

Special Investigator Robert Mueller made the first arrest of former Trump Aide Paul Manafort. From the looks of it, the Russian Dossier is like an NCAA Collusion Madness Bracket ending with Trump trying to prove he is innocent by requesting to try on “the glove” (photoshopped photo of OJ Simpson’s body with Trump head)

Speaking of without consent, Twitter announced Friday that ALL of it’s users (flash a photo of Trump) will receive a 280 character limit, whether they want it or not. So now Twitter will be as fun to read as the end credits of a movie.

KellyAnne Conway came out to say that implementing Gun Control now would be “disrespecting the dead” and she would know, because she has been dead for 300 days (photo of calendar counting how long Trump has been president).

After seeing the GOP in person, America is now wishing they would have swiped Left. (Photoshopped GOP Tinder profile)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders shrugged off questions about sexual assault allegations at the podium this week, showing the only thing darker than her new smoky eye shadow is the depth she is willing to go to try and get her Dad’s approval.

DMX released his own version of the holiday jingle “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” which surprised everyone, because reindeer don’t bark.

A four-time Dallas Snow Dog champ was busted in a dog doping scandal this week, making it the second most offensive use of “Snow Dogs” this century

OJ Simpson was released this month after serving 9 years in prison. A lot of news outlets were asking “What’s next for OJ Simpson?” At this rate? Probably the White House.

ORIGINAL REFILLABLE DESK BITS:

“The Babysitters Club”
Host invites the “teenage girl babysitter” character on to read Trump’s tweet’s out loud like she is reading from her diary. Copy: “Trump took to Twitter again today going after Congress woman Frederica Wilson and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-Un. The tweets went under scrutiny, mainly because they sounded stolen from the popular teenage girl’s book, here to talk more about it is a babysitter from the club!” (Tweets will be read in a gossip-y teenage girl voice) “the FAKE new is going CRAAAZY over WACKY Congress woman Wilson, who was SECRETLY on a VERY personal call and gave a TOTAL lie on content!” and ‘WHY would Kim Jong-Un insult ME by calling me “old” when I would NEVER call him “short AND fat” Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend — and MAYBE someday that will happen (sigh)”

“The 5-Minutes Before”
Host will take a terrible decision someone made and shoot a fake scene or dialog of them right before making the decision. (ex. A viral video from the internet of teen playing with fireworks, or a woman trying to twerk on the refrigerator)

“Little Kids Talk Policy”
Pre-filmed segment where little kids are read the latest government policy or law changes and ask them to explain in their own words what they think it means. After, the kids will be told what it actually means and asked what they think about it.

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